I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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