It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
