She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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