I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Randomize
