And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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