saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Randomize
