PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
