words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
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