I just cut my nipple shaving
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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