I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
