Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
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