textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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