i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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