I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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