this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
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