I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
