Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
