I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
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