I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
