i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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