Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
