I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
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