This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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