Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
