I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
