I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I deserve this hangover.
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