do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
