Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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