The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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