The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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