apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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