Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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