It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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