On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Randomize
