i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
