What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
