your parents love me but you hate me
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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