I wish I could punch you in the face.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
