Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I love having hate sex.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
