Non-Jews are for practice
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
