Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Randomize
