I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I just gargled with NyQuil
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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