My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
sarcasm needs its own font
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
