I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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