He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
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