Can Purell be used as lube?
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Randomize
