how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Who died my cat blue again?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
