he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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