Christians are straight up FREAKS
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
