did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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