i'm signing you up for texting rehab
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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