Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
