Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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