I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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