It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
